


so ill hold you close, to help you give it up

by Colordrained



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Crack, Cuddling, Fallen Castiel, First Kiss, Fluff, Fluffy, Happy Ending, Human Castiel, Internalized Homophobia, It's pretty much just crack, Kissing, M/M, Making Out, just a teensy bit of angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-27
Updated: 2013-11-27
Packaged: 2018-01-02 19:42:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,340
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1060817
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Colordrained/pseuds/Colordrained
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>Dean likes to tell himself on a daily basis that this isn't real. He plays pretend that this ache in his chest <em>isn't at all</em> related to the dumb grin Cas gives him. Just like he also pretends that Cas isn't totally pining for him.</em>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	so ill hold you close, to help you give it up

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry I wrote this in my head while watching a movie then attempted to put it into words at midnight; it's not too great. But hey, it's destiel fluff, what the hell. This is so unedited it's not even funny sorry lol
> 
> Title is from Kiss Me by Ed

Dean likes to tell himself on a daily basis that this isn't real. He plays pretend that this ache in his chest _isn't at all_ related to the dumb grin Cas gives him. Just like he also pretends that Cas isn't totally pining for him.

This has been going on for two months. It's varied in its intensity, but it's the same old stuff. Cas acts all cute towards him and Dean gets all fluttery inside and tries to will the feeling away. Since Cas has fallen, it's gotten harder. About three months ago, Dean could mostly just ignore it all. But now Cas is doing all this adorable human shit and sometimes it's just impossible for Dean to hold back a smile. 

So it progressed, without any further discussion. They cuddle--which-- Dean does not cuddle. Dean is strictly anti-cuddle with every other being in the planet. But God, with Cas all warm and bundled up in seven blankets because it's freezing in the bunker, Dean can't resist. 

And then one time they're watching a movie and Cas starts tracing his fingers up and down Dean's arms, and that's something Dean didn't know he would love. But he nudges into the touch until somehow, one of Cas's hands is curled around his bicep and the other is intertwined with his hand. And they stay quiet, and it's intimate. 

Dean thinks its pretty clear that he won't discuss it. And, after all, it's not like they're in _love_ for Christ's sake. What's wrong with a little physical affection between friends? According to Dean Winchester, not a damn thing. 

But then one night they're in the bunker, and Dean stayed up a bit later to make chocolate chip cookies, and Cas came padding into the kitchen because 'those things smell really good Dean what are they I want one'. So Dean introduces him to cookies and milk, and he laughes, because Cas apparently loves sweets. They barely stop themselves from eating the whole batch, and Cas lets out a tiny uncomfortably groan when he realizes he ate a few too many of those dumb things. 

It's sort of sudden, but Dean feels like it just needs to happen. They get up and go to head to bed, when Dean just kisses him. 

He grabs Cas's face and kisses him gently, and Cas leans back into him a bit. Castiel's lips are a little chapped, but mostly just warm. 

Cas makes a small noise, to which Dean pulls away.

"Um. I'm sorry..." Dean looks at the floor, realizing that was not his best idea. 

"No, it's-- um," Cas looks at him with wide eyes. And then Cas kisses him. 

For whatever reason, Cas's kisses are the best he's ever had. Dean hums and pushes back, rests his hand on the back of Cas's neck. Slowly, he backs Cas up to the wall, presses their chests together. 

Dean is warm and nice and sensual _everywhere_ and Cas isn't used to this all at once. 

Dean speaks between kisses, "Shit-- this is good-- like what the hell-- you're good at this--" and then he pulls away for a second, "are you... are you okay with this?" 

Cas nods, "yes, Dean. Definitely."  
And he kisses Dean again. 

Dean kisses him back hard, but then pulls away again, " are you really really sure, though? Like-" 

" _Dean_ " 

Dean stops his talking and reconnects their mouths, realizing how incredible this really is. 

"God, this is good," he mumbles against Cas's lips, which makes Cas smile. And then Cas makes a little noise when Dean does something with his tongue. 

But then, just when it's really, really nice, the confusion seeps into his mind. 

"Cas- fuck. I can't do this." Dean says; pushes him away. Cas looks confused and hurt. 

"Dean-- did I do something? I just-"

"No. No, I just. Cas, you know I can't do this with you." 

Cas cocks his head, "you were enjoying it, Dean. What's the issue? It was consensual and good. I don't get it."

Dean shakes his head, "it's. God, I feel like a dick." 

It seems as though a wave of understanding comes over Cas, "Dean. Dean-- are you stopping just because I'm a male?" Cas tugs away from him, gets himself out from between Dean and the wall. 

Dean puts his head in his hand.

"Are you really scared of being with another man, Dean? Is that what this is?" Cas backs away from him, almost disappointed. 

"No- I just. Look," Dean breathes, "Cas. I have let down so many people in so many ways, and I _cannot_ do it one more time." 

Cas shakes his head, "Why would you be letting anyone down, Dean? Who?" 

Dean sighs, "Cas, it's not you, okay? Please-"

"You're scared, aren't you?" Cas interjects, "you're scared of what Sam and Kevin will think. You're scared that your dad will walk through the door and make you feel bad for this. Aren't you, Dean?" And okay, that stings. 

Dean looks down, "I'm not scared," he mutters. 

"Dean. What's so wrong about it?" Cas walks towards him and tips his chin up with a finger.

Dean looks sorry, "look. It's just. It's too different, Cas. I've gotta be as normal as I can, because everything else in my life is so fucking weird-- I just. I need to keep this one thing normal." 

Dean regrets it immediately after he sees the sting in Cas's eyes. 

"You're scared of different, Dean?" Cas says, shaky. "Different?" His finger drops from Dean's skin. "Are you forgetting who I was? Who i am? I'll tell you, Dean. I was an angel of The Lord, on earth. And then I was a traitor of Heaven. And then I trusted the wrong person, and was cast out of Heaven--taking all the others with me. And then I lost my wings. I am a wingless, graceless angel, Dean. I am human. I am the epitome of different. Is different really...am I really so bad, in your eyes?," his eyes are brimming with tears and he's almost angry, he's so upset. His look softens, though. 

"Dean. Dean Winchester," Dean looks at him, "if there is anyone in the world who could teach me, I would pick you. Dean. You have taught me that you have to stand up for what I love, no matter what the cost. Is that not what you must do now, Dean? You are not harming anyone. You enjoy this. So my question to you is: why? Why are you putting yourself through this? Do what you want, Dean. That's what you've told me all along. That's what saved us. Free will. You can stop the apocalypse with it, but you're afraid to apply it now?"

Dean chuckles, "thanks for making me feel like the biggest close-minded asshat on the planet." 

Cas smirks, "you are a bit of a close-minded asshat, though I'm not sure the largest one on earth." 

Dean smiles, "you're something else, Cas." It's quiet, then, until Dean is saying, "you really listen to me, don't you? You really care." 

Cas blinks, "of course, Dean. Always." 

Dean stares, "I think I might be in love with you, Cas." Cas smiles for a second before Dean adds, "might. Maybe. I'm undecided," with another smile.

Castiel takes a breath, unsure how to respond to all of this, "you are hearing me, right?" 

Dean nods. 

"And you want this? Us?"

Dean nods.

"And you're not- you won't be scared?"

Dean shrugs, "guess there isn't much of a point to be. I think I keep a lot in my head and it confuses the shit out of me. You made it pretty simple."

Cas smiles. "Good. Because I really like this."

And then they're kissing again, Cas is pulling him closer by the collar. Dean smiles against him, lets himself be pushed against the wall. He enjoys the hell out of it, and this time, he doesn't care what anyone else thinks. He's got his angel, and that's that.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope I didn't let you down too much lol I realize it's one of the worst things I've wrote sorry I still appreciate comments haha
> 
> (To the subscribers who follow me for one direction: I will be doing a collection starting probably by thanksgiving with a fuckton of fluffy 1D Christmas stuff )


End file.
